I would consider myself a naturally strong-minded individual, but on March I suffered a mental block where I failed in common sense. I stupidly allowed myself to slip through the cracks of my foundation in Christ. I feel guilt. I feel shame. I say feel, as the issue is not outwardly resolved. Perhaps internally, yes – it’s no okay. And yet, the issue is material-based. I strangely find myself appreciating myself to fall into the cracks, only to think analytically (as I normally do) that I am feeling guilty and shameful over material issues, and the fact is – we can’t take any earthly materials with us to Heaven, only our souls leave this place. For that reason – in Christian faith, I don’t have a problem, as my life is paid by the Cross of Christ.

I do however, feel annoyed that I have wasted valuable resources time and money on what God has purposefully blessed me with and I messed up. I am clutching onto God’s sandals (if He likes to wear them) and asking for Him to re-provide the lost resources that I annoyingly wasted. Why I chose to waste these fine resources in the first place? I have no idea. Well, it started off with an impulse. I was minding my own business reading online, only to be distracted by this new thought, which would change my mind and dent the foundation of my identity. At least, it proves that I am indeed a sinner like everyone else. With this realisation, I somewhat sense a renewed passion of worship to God, because I know the breakdowns of sanity that I have experienced, and I’m seeking God’s grace and mercy to pretty much save me from this act of stupidity, which I wish to refrain from sharing.

But hey, we all make mistakes (daily) and sometimes we need to fall, so we can stand stronger and positively improve on what we have learnt. I do believe that God allows us to fall, so we can learn to rely on Him to provide for our needs. He really is a Father in that respect. He may not catch us at every moment we are about to stumble, but I am sure He wants to know how we will get ourselves back up again, and whether we will turn to Him. And it seems that He will listen, only when we acknowledge and turn to Him first.


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