According to my parents, they feel like the LORD is on holiday and are hurt for me for my out-of-work limbo situation. Officially since June 2014. Unofficially since late August 2013. I guess my parents and I are going through the mills together because we are protective of each other, and we love each other that it genuinely hurts to see someone dear to us hurt and struggle inside.

For me, I still have peace and there is enough sanity and strength to count my everyday blessings – not just in prayer, but when sharing with others. However, I don’t sleep very well.

I still have lucid dreams, some dreams appear reminiscent of what *will* actually happen or occur, which is eerily freaky! I have prayed multiple times and asked the LORD to rebuke anything ungodly or thoughts (or anything) that may be a hindrance in my relationship with the LORD. Yet, I still dream like something from a flamboyant Michael Bay movie.

I am however finding it very peculiar that the LORD has placed over a good dozen folk who have experienced my limbo situation. Some of whom have experienced for over a year. I even caught up with one of our neighbors. Whilst cleaning up their Windows PC of the excess temporary files, we ended up chatting about employment, and how even their neighbours and our neighbours as a whole are in a very similar situation.

I am also encouraged that I still have a passion for God’s Word, which I sadly hear less and less these days, which strangely makes my blood boil and my heart deflate like a withering party balloon.

I am not angry at God’s appointed, or should that be, a bunch of men who cast votes on a favoured individual – how biblical… I’m simply annoyed that “appointed” folk are willing to deconstruct God’s absolute truth into dwindling ramble with light-hearted entertainment. Why do I want to hear stories of dead theologians and “great figures” outside the Bible of the past? Since when do human beings hold the keys to the gates of eternity? I come to Church to hear the Word of a resurrected Christ, because Christ represents hope for us sinners of complete forgiveness and eternity life. I mean, we sing about how glorious and how wonderful our great Creator is, but when it comes to the Word – it’s like drinking Del Monte’s orange juice without any pulp and pips to chew on (or clean out from one’s teeth). Perhaps, I am fussy.

Maybe, I’m the one who needs help!

Stepping back a bit here. I feel I am at a penultimate crossroad in my life where I am given a choice. Two paths appear to be present. One is a made up worldly fantasy that will satisfy my short-term needs, but I know I will still feel empty and wandering like a lost sheep. The second path is truly unknown, and I know I am nudged to step out in faith into the unknown, which I am reluctant to step forward, purely because I feel spiritually hurt and close to triggering warning bells that I feel would raise concern with friends and family. I am not an attention seeker, hence I blog my reflections into the oblivion that is the Internet. I choose to blog and openly share than write a private journal, because I type faster than I write.

Path 1. I persevere through my limbo situation at my own strength and in my own desperation I apply and secure ANY random job. My brain is even telling me to consider jumping ship to doing something totally random like an Air Traffic Controller. Skill-wise, I appear to be capable. Health-wise, I meet the stringent requirements. Faith-wise, really Richard?!

Having a job now would yes help redeem my unemployment gap and fill my piggy bank with a stream of income and savings. And yes, when a bloke rakes in the money, he can also attract a bonnie lass come future wife, who will want to spent it (cynical but partly true). Marriage = yes! Timing = not now, no.

But praise the LORD for *still* being debt free, despite being unemployed!

At the end of the day, there is more to securing a job and earning dosh. We live in a rapidly-changing society, where there is no such thing as a stable job, never mind guaranteed anymore. Hence the need to change “career” altogether, which is something I originally gave to the LORD when I reaffirmed my faith in the LORD on Friday 4th February 2005. I didn’t want to pursue my own fleshy desires.

Path 2. The LORD knows the deepest passions in my heart. He knows it isn’t glueing my eyes to a monitor screen doing an IT job, even though jobs in IT pay handsomely. The LORD knows I am not chasing a career, simply to build up a warchest of income in a bank account that pays out 0% interest rate, whilst the big cheese of the senior management team amongst banks pay themselves millions in bonuses. The LORD also knows I am mentally and emotionally stable living as a Christian single. Of course, I want a godly Christian wife and healthy kids and settle down, but there is no obvious opportunity to acknowledge that this is what God wants me to pursue at this moment in time.

I do believe Path 2 is where the LORD wants me to walk, and because it’s a road I am NOT familiar with because it doesn’t appear on Google Maps. Basically, I am to step out in faith into the unknown whilst holding hands of my Heavenly Father like an obedient child who is scared of the dark, and trust and expect my Heavenly Father to provide when the time is right. The funny thing is… I don’t know where Path 2 leads (nor do I think God is calling it Path 2), but I know it is the most realistic option available to me.

So yeah, I am Mr Reluctance until I step out of this boat and into the unknown.


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