There is a gentle stillness that I sense with God, which I know He is calling me to wait. Although, I haven’t audibly heard God’s voice in this [very] moment in time, I do believe God is still urging me to hold on and wait. I don’t quite know what I am to wait on, or wait for… perhaps the rare sighting of a blue moon.

And that my friend is the outcome when human patience peels away. We resort to snide remarks masked behind a cynical attitude, whereas the “Christian” response is to break dance in song like a Disney musical and actually praise God in the storm. For readers who know me, I do strive to praise God in this opportunity and sit in His presence. Beyond that I am literally lost for words, as I don’t fully know where God wants me to be. Our natural response is to preoccupy ourselves. It reminds me of the cheesy tongue-in-cheek t-shirt that reads “Jesus is coming. Look busy!”

Every time I step out on a random opportunity out of sheer desperation and panic, I cannot help but sense God is calling me out daily to “Wait.”

The weird thing about this whole journey and experience to-date is that I find myself in an overwhelming sense of godly peace, as I know that every job and/or vocation that I apply for will result in a rejection. I am not being overly negative (or setting myself up for depression), but I just believe it is not where God wants me to be, even though it is my duty to proactively search and apply for advertised posts, as you do.

It’s a weird feeling to know that God is calling me to wait. Wait? Wait for what exactly?

If I am to faithfully trust in the LORD that He will provide for me, then I am to wait on God’s perfect timing (whilst knocking on doors as a result of human understanding).

Despite the underlying frustration, I recognise that my Heavenly Father knows the very best for me.

At the time of writing, I am nearly 2 weeks away before I hit a milestone of 1-year being legally unemployed. Depressing? Well, previously, yes! Mid-life crisis? No, not really. I’m not married or have my own family to provide for, so it’s not the end of the world. I feel for my parents who are spiritually confused, and I’m hoping I am not simply putting on a brave face for my parents, but I want them to recognise God is in the midst.

Personally, I feel frustrated for the LORD, as it feels like His name is dragged through the mud and critics will laugh at Him for *seemingly* not providing for His children. In ways, it does feel like it, but as I was reminded by some older sisters in Christ, God is much bigger than the worldly systems.

This is why I find it challenging to walk in a forward direction in my faith. I have been side-stepping like American line dancing. At the end of the day, only God will provide the best for me. Ultimately, He is in control, and no doubt, He is using me and my situation for His glory, whilst I am out in limbo. It may not be what I want, but perhaps what I need… to be reminded and fully recognise Jesus as LORD in a very pure and divine nature and be still in His presence.

I think realistically, the LORD wants me to truly walk in faith with Him (less head, more in faith), which I struggle to grapple with, purely because it is my natural response to use more of my human knowledge and analyse everything.

You would naturally think that unemployment is based on faith and hope. In my mind, I feel like I have nothing else more to give, and it hurts to be pruned with God’s axe – down to the core roots. At least, God has the hope in me and divine purpose to see me bear more fruit, all for His glory and Kingdom come.

Heavenly Father, I honestly don’t know how to respond in this time of waiting, but I want to fully place my faith and trust in You, knowing that You are in complete control. The one who created the heavens and the earth. The one who spoke of creation. The one who breathed the breathe of life into man. Only You can do this, and it’s only You that can provide for me. LORD, you know I still need to play my part, and I simply pray that You give me enough strength to persevere, I ask that You humble me if You think I am way over myself. I lastly pray to rebuke any characteristics or attitudes that may be a hindrance in my walk with You, as I want to live a life that pleases You. In the name of Jesus I pray, Amen.


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