Ah Christians! We say one thing to God in a pleading prayer, and yet we do something else that was not on the same wavelength as our initial cry out to the LORD.

Here is my scenario. Perhaps you can relate with the distinct Christian undertones.

“Oh LORD, You know my heart’s desire. You know that I long to serve and build for Your Kingdom.”

You then sense that the LORD is just and He is pleased with Your heart’s desire.

Meanwhile, out of human frustration at playing the waiting game, one develops a *subtle* change of heart.

“…but LORD, I still need and want a job…”

From a human perception, there is logic in one’s understanding. However, logic only occurs when we apply human knowledge and understanding. The LORD however, expects us to lean on Him… which basically means, don’t let our troubles bother us, for He knows what we need and as our divine Heavenly Father, He knows the very best to give to His beloved children.

With God’s Word echoing throughout Scripture… why, OH WHY is it so hard to fully trust in the LORD – like 100% and walk on water like nobody is watching? I don’t want to re-enact Frodo Baggins and his epic journey to Mordor. I might share his clown feet (minus the hairy feet syndrome), but three films are enough, and yet our personal journey will span more than 3 movies worth of epicness as we journey in Christ.

And so, I applied for ridiculous jobs (again, as you do when one is out in limbo), thinking and believing with good intentions that even a mundane part-time job would fill the void of what *I* expect God will deliver for me, even though He doesn’t need my human intervention to botch His perfect plan for me. Hats off to freewill, but I genuinely want to trust in the LORD. And I know the LORD sees that within me, but it’s going to take an epic journey to get there! Thank goodness the Holy Scriptures reveal our completeness in Christ, when the Bride is joined with the Bridegroom, noted in Revelation.

My heart has been buzzing for weeks and in recent months to step out in total faith that the LORD will totally provide His way for me. Frustrated, annoyed and hurt from the silence, I have panicked and searched for last-gasp jobs, and quite literally these are last-gasp jobs.

My brain however tells me that TOTAL FAITH is like TOTALLY SWITCHING OFF FROM REALITY.

Personally, I need to digest that previous sentence. Even though there are and there will always be Christians who will judge me for my current situation, a situation that is beyond my control and understanding, I feel like I am being judged and from some – mocked.

My assumption may very well be lies fired from the evil one, because I control who receives about my internal thinking and personal reflections (a.k.a. gossip) via Facebook, and outside of my parents – only 3 people from my local church actually know about the pending prospect of what I believe the LORD is calling me to pursue in sufficient detail. Everyone else are based outside of my local church, whom I feel at ease to share, but again, I am fairly selective to whom I share with. I don’t exactly know why, perhaps it’s what the world labels as qualities of introversion, perhaps it’s simply Godly discernment. Who knows!

So, if so few people actually know the specifics of my struggles and pending journey ahead, why do I think I feel I am being judged? Hmmm… the evil one? It’s even more troublesome, when I have been learning to develop a rhinoceros-like skin in living through worldly rejections and not allow words of despair to trip me up and shatter my shield. Perhaps it’s because when I think of a cool shield, the most obvious thing that comes to mind is that of Captain America. And yet, I personally think the real biblical faith is a plain, but highly effective shield of faith that God gives, so we can clothe ourselves in His sustaining strength and in His awesome glory.

I now get that the two older sisters in Christ at the Christian community centre shared that I need to be linked with well connected prayer warriors, especially when I want to be walking in a forward direction. The other underlying truth is that everyone has their own problems and issues. How often do we muster the desire to include others into our “precious” time of prayers aimed at our Heavenly Father?

Sometimes the worldly reality is indeed like the Matrix. Maybe, the reality is actually to have sustaining faith in Christ and leave it at that. It goes to show why humankind has this ongoing wrestling match with it’s Creator. Ever since man touched the forbidden fruit and digested from the tree of knowledge of good and evil. Like a good parent that tells a child “DO NOT TOUCH!” And what does the child do in response? …touch the blinking red button!!

I guess in a nutshell, I just sense isolation with regards to this Kingdom-focused vision. At present, it is just me and the LORD with an obvious view to grow. That is the acknowledged “team” which I appreciate and understand should hold much encouragement, but the silence can trip me from time to time. And the funny thing is – the LORD has yet again revealed further images and ideas with regards to this Kingdom-focused vision, which again encourages me to believe that I am not making this stuff up. Although it feels lonely to pursue this particular path, I do believe the path will open up wider, when I fully and continuously place my faith and trust in Him in ALL things related to this, even to the point that the LORD can take this vision away from me, and leave me back to drawing lines on the sand.

This is why I struggle and stumble in my walk in the LORD, because His timing is different to my timing. I want to say a prayer for 5 minutes and expect to hear a “DING!” like a Pop-Tart blasting out of the microwave doors only to land conveniently on my open plate, after I finish saying grace before tucking in.

Most of the time, we need to be out in the fields working and plow the hard grounds of the field to make sure the ground is fertile to grow crops. And only then, can we begin to sow the initial seeds, water the grounds and wait for the appropriate ingredients to harvest in God’s perfect timing.

…Oh LORD, You know my heart’s desire.
You know that I long to serve and build for Your Kingdom…



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