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It is always a great feeling to see light at the end of the tunnel. It is the hope in leaving the grim shadow that seem to encapsulate our surroundings and survival for growth, especially when some of us long to walk intimately with the LORD.

Recently, an older sister in Christ reaffirmed what I had to go through, which I knew beforehand what the LORD was and is *still* doing with me at present. Essentially, the LORD is (and has been) breaking strongholds in my life. I feel like a shattered worthless ming vase from an ancient Chinese dynasty. On the surface, there is glue everywhere, yet the LORD still sees greatness and beauty in that damaged piece. Why exactly? Humanly, I don’t fully know why, other than I am sure God sees me as His created image.

I have had to let go of everything purely to recognise God’s stillness.

I know it’s been a good while, but I no longer serve at my local church doing the IT side of things. I felt the need to let it go last year, even though I enjoyed the ministry and I miss the team, which is now very small in size and back to how it started.

Towards the end of June, I also let go in serving in the ministry team at a local Christian community centre, where I was mainly listening, counselling, encouraging and praying for others. The real urge for me to move on was that I did not feel at ease in my Spirit to continue. And it literally bothers me when someone “feels” they have a direct Word from the LORD, which only occur AFTER you share your heart with that person. That my friend is called a personal opinion, not a Word from the LORD. And I always find myself in a skeptical position to take heed to such opinion, especially when I recognise their own relationship with the LORD and the insecurities that they guard. *sigh*

And recently, I have decided to let go of my involvement with my local cell group (dubbed by the leadership team as a “life” group). It also marks my last involvement of a church-related ministry. I felt more annoyed than sad to let go of the life group, as it is more of a social gathering than a bible study group. Anyhow, I no longer feel secure in my mind to share openly in a group setting, especially when there are stuff that nobody can really relate with. I enjoy the banter with people like the next guy, but I value fruitful discussions that is directly focused on God’s Word, and not the opinions of man. I have already acquired 4 (somewhat dangerously wasteful) years of learning man’s theology through seminary, but ultimately, I desire to know the LORD God as I want to grow in Him.

In a way, I am free to move to a new church. However, I am likely to stay put until the LORD tells me or reveals to me that I should move. I do have every reason to move on, as only a select few will know why.

The main thing that I keep sensing from the LORD is wait.

Let’s begin with this Kingdom-focused vision. As mentioned previously there is no team as yet, which doesn’t mean that I am not to pursue this vision, but really I am to wait on the LORD to orchestrate the players to position themselves ready to play music.

For my case, one person may have a vision, but a vision can only be propelled when the vision is shared and people latch onto the vision and share in that passion and vision. Before you know it, a passionate team will be able to communicate that very passion to potential investors, especially when an ambitious vision demands serious investment.

At the same time, I am having to seek other sources of business advice down in England, as there are various legal implications that I need to wrap my brain around, especially the formation of a desired company structure. Unfortunately, the accessible pools of literature are limited to pre-defined company structures. And due to the nature of this vision, it needs to stands perfectly balanced in transparency, whilst attracting serious investment from well-connected investors.

Outside my stale reading with regards to entrepreneur articles and business planning, I am trying to re-learn my skillset in web development, with passive efforts in the graphic design department. I choose to do this because IT is the second biggest expenditure of any progressive business, especially for business start-ups. The biggest cost is typically the salary. The same applies for a hotshot freelancer or wannabe consultant. After all, one still needs to calculate the personal survival costs as a lone ranger. And as mentioned previously, I like to know how to achieve the same result without using external third parties or agencies, especially when meddling with in-house information and marketing data. I simply wish I can clone myself a dozen times to feel more efficient. Nonetheless, the continuous learning is a real joy and it’s giving me hope with regards to short-long term opportunities.

I am also looking at forming prototypes using different mediums to help in communicating this vision to potential investors. As this will be the most time-consuming and specialised component, I am leaving it last on my imaginary to-do list.

What else has happened with my life? Well, I experienced a fake job, which coincidentally co-relates with this Kingdom-focused vision. I sought to apply for the role simply to learn hands-on and gain a foothold in understanding the business and market, so it would raise my credibility and confidence when asked questions. Unfortunately, because it’s not exactly a job that was supposed to pay money, yet they expected you to know everything, I am having to look elsewhere for paid work (i.e. a real job). Nonetheless, the opportunity gave me two days worth of spying material with regards to management, insight of local suppliers and customer servicing.

I am also progressing slowly with this fake business too. Two weeks ago I invented a new brand, and last week I designed a very minimalist website and corresponding business cards. I even setup a private e-mail account that works very well. I think because of my curiosity, I am learning more about the latest in technologies and web security, which is actually a fascinating topic I really want to study… one day!

So yeah, while I am waiting on new opportunities to swing open and answers to prayer, I am striving to be proactive with the time and money that I have. I just pray the LORD knows what He is doing, as I recently passed two years of limbo, since my last formal employment.

Does the LORD have a perfect plan for me? I am still choosing to believe that He does.

~Richard