Something isn’t right. The subtle patterns that weave in and around to form a tapestry crafted by an unskilled merchant is worrying.

What comes to mind when you see posters advertise mental illness?

Is the message promoting a healthy life and positive wellbeing? Is it really promoting, or is it a smoke screen to safeguard the suits from lawsuits by not promoting the message. It seems harmless to see such posters framed behind the Throne of Gondor.

What comes to mind when you see regular changes to the posters that promote mental illness? It’s the same content, but it’s a different campaign, and it occurs frequently… a little too frequent in my personal opinion.

What comes to mind when you receive e-mails advertising clinics surrounding mental illness in the cafe?

Add on top the cold shoulders of peers you see day in and day out, some of whom are in the same team? You acknowledge them, yet you don’t exist. I am thick-skinned to accept rejection, but it re-calculates your opinion to the black space in the grey matter.

What comes to mind when you see folk flirt with their phones behind fire exit doors that lead to the fire exit stairwell? Or the sudden stain of a tossed teabag against a wall of a communal stairwell. Or the regular clogging of communal toilets.

Something isn’t right.

Is it obvious to hint that I am not coping? My brain has even snapped to claim a day of rest through A/L. I considered summoning a fellow to catch up, but I don’t want to spill the beans. Not yet. Instead, I’m going to deliberately use the entire day to develop said venture. I don’t know how and I hope my strength returns to focus on that.

I need to believe the growing storm will compel me to take a leap of faith. My concern is making sure my leap is in faith and leads to God and not an unexpected leap that triggers a fatal outcome. After all, I get the mental illness undertones.

I don’t know how God will Shepherd me to a safe passage – but where? Perhaps the LORD wants me to wave the white flag, so it will bring Him the glory to rescue me, but something isn’t right.

It is not what I expected. It doesn’t help when only 2 of a team of 16 offer to help. The rest are on mute like a silent movie. There is a clique that combines pre-destined personnel from another source. It’s a l33t club to save face. Interestingly, the most head honcho discerned and dissected that to clique leader. I already knew within the first 4 days.

Losing focus beyond the obvious. Too tired to develop personally, never mind said venture. Why does God want me to experience this? Is this the reward of telling the truth and striving to live a life of obedience? I am growing weary by the day. How can my yolk be easy, when it’s dysfunctional and chaotic inside?

In fact, it’s that time already where my brain is too tired to function and is clamouring for sleep mode.


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